holistic Online Therapy FOR PEOPLE PLEASERS in Hermosa Beach & THROUGHOUT CA
People Pleasing, Boundaries, and the Fawn Response
Shifting from “I hope they’re ok, to I’m ok.”
People pleasing often shows up as an automatic urge to say yes, smooth things over, or take care of everyone else's comfort before your own, even when it costs you. It's closely tied to boundaries, or more specifically, the lack of them, since it's hard to protect your time, energy, and needs when your default is putting others first. In nervous system terms, this pattern is often called the fawn response, a survival strategy where your body learned that keeping the peace and staying agreeable felt safer than speaking up. Therapy can help you interrupt that cycle, build boundaries that actually hold, and come back home to the person you've been putting on hold.
People-pleasing is a performance, not true connection.
It usually starts young, as a way to earn approval or stay out of the line of fire, and it works enough to feel safe or loved in the moment.
Short term, it earns you the reputation of being the reliable one, the go-to person at work, the one who never drops the ball at home.
Long term, it's unsustainable.
You lose the sense of what you actually want because saying yes to something you don’t want is easier than disappointing anyone.
You might feel resentment and frustration of being everyone's steady, capable person while wondering who's actually checking in on you.
You’ve always been praised for being the high performer, the dependable parent or partner, the one who holds it all together
You keep everyone else's world running smoothly. Who's supporting you?
You know that moment. Someone asks for a favor, or your afternoon, or just five more minutes of your attention, and you hear yourself say yes before you've even checked in with how you actually feel.
Then it hits, that quick drop in your stomach. That moment between the yes and the dread is worth paying attention to. It's your nervous system flagging a need that may have just been ignored.
This is known as the fawn response. A body and brain trained to prioritize everyone else's comfort over its own signals. The stomach drop is your gut noticing a boundary got crossed in real time.
People pleasing isn't really about being "too nice." It's your nervous system functioning from the belief that other people's needs had to come first for you to stay safe, accepted, or loved.
Many people who find themselves in these cycles grew up in homes where they were emotionally isolated or neglected, walked on eggshells around their parents, and we’re often made to feel like they were disappointing their family.
While people-pleasing may have helped you survive, it’s likely also hurt you.
Eventually, all that yes-ing catches up with you. Your body learns to override its own signals so consistently that you eventually stop hearing them altogether, leaving you disconnected from what you actually feel, want, or need in the moment.
Advocating for yourself doesn’t need to feel confrontational.
It is about learning to fill your cup before pouring into others.
In therapy we’ll work on things like:
Noticing that stomach drop before you say yes, and pausing long enough to ask yourself what you actually want
Saying what you feel without dressing it up in ten qualifiers and an apology. "I feel overwhelmed when plans change last minute" is a complete sentence
Staying curious about someone else's perspective without abandoning your own in the process. Empathy and self-respect aren't actually in competition
Saying no and letting it be uncomfortable for a minute, instead of over-explaining your way out of the discomfort.
You'll start to trust that a boundary doesn't make you selfish, it makes you someone people can actually trust to mean what you say.
Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.
-Prentis Hemphill
Ready to get started?
I’m here to walk you through the process - It’s easier than you think! We’ll schedule a 20 minute phone call to make sure we’re a good fit, you’ll fill out your intake forms, and we’ll start meeting weekly!