Online therapy in hermosa beach and throughout california

A question I hear all the time in therapy is:
“Am I emotionally dysregulated… or am I just having big feelings?”

It’s a great question. And an important one.

Because there is a big difference between feeling overwhelmed and feeling like you’ve lost access to choice. When you understand that difference, you stop judging yourself so harshly and you get clearer on what kind of support you actually need.

If you’re doing online therapy in Hermosa Beach or anywhere in California, this distinction matters. Especially if you’re someone who’s used to coping by pushing through, intellectualizing, or telling yourself you should be handling things better.

Let’s break it down.

What Emotional Dysregulation Actually Is

Emotional dysregulation is not just feeling intense emotions. It’s not crying easily or getting frustrated faster than you’d like.

Emotional dysregulation is when your nervous system is running the show.

When you’re dysregulated, your body has decided that something is threatening or overwhelming, even if your logical brain knows it shouldn’t be. Your system goes into fight, flight, freeze, or shutdown, and once that happens, access to choice shrinks.

Clients often describe dysregulation as:

“I know I’m overreacting but I cannot stop.”
“It’s like something takes over.”
“I feel trapped inside the reaction.”
“I say or do things I later regret, even though I knew better.”

That feeling of not having a choice is the key piece.

When you’re dysregulated, it does not feel like you’re deciding how to respond. It feels like the response is happening to you.

What Big Feelings Are (And Why They’re Not the Problem)

Big feelings are still intense. They can be uncomfortable, loud, and exhausting. But they’re different.

When you’re having big feelings:

You feel upset, angry, anxious, or sad
You may want to react strongly
But you still have access to choice

You might think, “I really want to yell, text them back immediately, shut down, or quit.”
And even if it’s hard, you can still pause and decide how to act.

That pause matters.

Big feelings feel like:

“This is really hard, but I can choose what I do next.”
“I’m emotional, but I’m still here.”
“I don’t like this feeling, but I’m not hijacked by it.”

Big feelings are part of being human. Dysregulation is your nervous system being overwhelmed.

The Core Difference: Choice vs No Choice

Here’s the simplest way I explain it in therapy.

Big feelings:
You have urges, but you still have options.

Emotional dysregulation:
It feels like there are no options. Only reactions.

When dysregulation hits, your brain shifts into survival mode. Your prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for reflection, impulse control, and long term thinking, goes offline. That’s why reasoning with yourself does not work in those moments.

This is also why people who are highly capable, insightful, and self aware still struggle. Dysregulation is not a willpower issue. It’s a nervous system issue.

Signs You Might Be Dysregulated

Everyone experiences dysregulation differently, but here are some common signs I see with clients in online therapy across California.

Emotionally:

Your emotions feel sudden or explosive
You feel flooded, panicked, or numb
Small things feel unbearable
You swing quickly between emotions

Physically:

Tight chest, clenched jaw, shallow breathing
Racing heart or heaviness in your body
Feeling frozen or unable to move
A strong urge to escape, shut down, or lash out

Behaviorally:

Saying things you regret almost immediately
Reacting faster than you can think
Compulsively checking, scrolling, texting, or avoiding
Feeling disconnected from yourself afterward

After the moment passes, many people feel shame. That shame often leads to more self control attempts, which ironically increases dysregulation over time.

Why Dysregulation Feels So Confusing

One of the hardest parts of dysregulation is that it can feel inconsistent.

You might think:

“Why am I fine at work but fall apart at home?”
“Why does this only happen with certain people?”
“Why do I know all the coping skills but still can’t use them?”

Dysregulation often shows up where you feel emotionally vulnerable, attached, or unsafe. That might be in relationships, family dynamics, dating, or moments where old patterns get activated.

Your system is not broken. It’s responding based on past learning.

Why Telling Yourself to “Calm Down” Doesn’t Work

If dysregulation were a thinking problem, insight would fix it. But it’s not.

When your nervous system is dysregulated, logic is not accessible yet. Trying to force calm usually leads to more frustration or shutdown.

That’s why in my work offering online therapy in Hermosa Beach and throughout California, we focus less on controlling emotions and more on building capacity.

Capacity means being able to feel more without losing yourself.

How Therapy Helps With Emotional Dysregulation

Therapy is not about eliminating big feelings. It’s about restoring choice.

In therapy, we work on:

Learning how your nervous system actually works
Recognizing early signs of dysregulation before it spikes
Using bottom up tools that help your body settle first
Reducing shame around emotional responses
Expanding your window of tolerance so emotions feel more manageable

Over time, clients often say things like:

“I still get upset, but I don’t spiral the same way.”
“I can pause now.”
“I feel like I have more options.”
“I trust myself again.”

That’s the goal.

If You’re Wondering “Is This Me?”

If you’ve ever thought:

**About the Author**

Tori is a California-based therapist who offers online therapy throughout California, helping thoughtful, high-functioning people understand their nervous systems, feel less overwhelmed, and respond to life with more choice and self-trust.

“Why do I feel out of control sometimes?”
“Why do my reactions feel bigger than the situation?”
“Why do I know better but still react this way?”

You’re not alone. And you’re not failing.

You might not need more self discipline or insight. You might need support that works with your nervous system, not against it.

If you’re looking for online therapy in Hermosa Beach or anywhere in California, I help people who feel overwhelmed, overthinking, emotionally reactive, or stuck in cycles they can’t logic their way out of.

You don’t need to stop having big feelings.
You just deserve to feel like you have a choice again.

If you want to explore this work together, I’m here.

How Do I Know If I’m Dysregulated? Big Feelings vs Emotional Dysregulation